Thursday, May 04, 2006


I have been threatened with a fannypack.

Not a specific fannypack, mind you, just the possibility of being forced to wear a fannypack. Now, I will assume that the threat of being forced to wear a fannypack stands on its own merits without having to explicitly explain what is wrong with wearing a fannypack. Its just one of the things in this world that is so obvious that it stands on its own, a perfect one-word punchily.

So you can understand why being threatened with the prospect of having to wear a fannypack would be so frightening. Really though, it’s my fault. My fault for carrying around the man-purse.

Mind you, it’s not a real purse, manly or otherwise. To the untrained eye, it looks an awful lot like a Gap jean’s jacket. In fact, that’s what it was sold to me as, and one of it’s major functions is still as a protective outer covering during times of slightly chilly weather. But there’s a reason I hesitate to put the jacket away once the thermometer starts to rise above 70 degrees on a consistent basis. Besides being intermittently fashionable, the jean’s jacket is also extremely practical. The two large pockets on the inside of the jacket are the perfect place to store everything from keys to wallets to cell phones to important paper to pens to grocery lists to my Sirius Satellite radio when I take it out of my car.

For a while, I don’t think Carrie caught on to the usefulness of my jacket. Of course, I had known the packing capacities of jean jackets for years. I had worn them even when they were (so I was told) out of fashion. While I didn’t have cell phones and satellite radios back then, the pockets did serve as the perfect place to store a pack of cigarettes and the odd can of beer or two.

Then, one day, she picked it up and nearly threw her back out because of all the accumulated items I had packed away in the two very deep, very useful pockets. She started going through the pockets and after about ten minutes, when everything was pulled out and placed on the kitchen table she said:

“That’s it, we’re getting you a fannypack.”

And that threat has been hanging over my head (and potentially around my belly) ever since. I don’t really understand how a fannypack is any improvement over a jean jacket, but apparently, someone knows the threat will leave me with the cold sweats. It’s not like I’m the most fashionable guy in the world to begin with, but I know enough not to wear socks with sandals and I know that fannypacks are just plain wrong. Wear a fannypack? I might as well just put on clown shoes and suspenders and start spraying people with seltzer water.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Before you go with the fanny pack, I would suggest trying using a standard, brown lunch bag. After moving to the city I learned (the hard way) not to leave anything of value in the car. Sometimes that is unavoidable--you know--times when you don't want to carry the denim jacket/fanny pack. If you ensure the passenger floor doubles as a trash can, you can toss the brown bag onto the floor while you are taking care of business. The older and more used the bag is--the better. Using this urban camouflaging technique your radio, spare change, phone, license, cigarettes, gobstoppers, etc. are safely stored in your vehicle. When you embrace this idea, you can splurge for the zip lock baggie change purse/wallet! Travelling with the brown bag is made easy--just put it in a plastic grocery bag with handles...remember it is ALWAYS better to look like a hobo than a tourist.

12:28 PM  
Anonymous Janelle said...

Might I suggest a messenger bag? Fanny packs should only be worn if you are at least 30 lbs overweight, over 60 and if you are at Niagra Falls.

1:54 PM  

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