Tour de Annoying

I am pissed off at the world of cycling and it has absolutely nothing to do with the Tour de France (or, as I apparently pronounce it, the Toor do Frantz) and doping. Really, I never had the skills or desire to become a professional athlete, and I’m now getting toward the age where fiber supplements would be more useful to me than testosterone patches (Okay, maybe I’m not that old, but you get the point). As for the use of performance enhancing setting a bad example for children, well, if I ever have kids and they inherit my hand/eye coordination and fine motor skills, the entire contents of Barry Bonds’ medicine cabinet won’t do them any good.

No, the reason I am pissed off at the world of cycling is because I leave off of a very scenic road. And by scenic, I also mean narrow and not well paved. And apparently, bicyclists very much enjoy going for rides down scenic roads. I know riding a bicycle is fine exercise and cuts down on the use of fossil fuels and pumps up the economy for makers of power bars and sports drinks, but goddamn, when I am coming home from work and take that exit onto Grapevine Road thinking about firing up the grill and opening a fine adult beverage, I don’t want to have to worry about making the choice between wiping some Lance Armstrong wannabe off the side of or staring down the grill of one of the neighborhood tree service trucks coming right at me.

Although the odds are stacked tremendously in favor of me taking out the guy in the yellow shirt and the tight spandex shorts.

And one more thing, Mr. Bicycle Guy, although I’m sure there are aerodynamic and comfort reasons for the silly-looking bicycle outfits, please, please, DO NOT go pedaling down the road in a yellow jersey unless you actually have won a stage of the Tour de France. It’s kind of like me going around wearing a fake Pulitzer Prize medal around my neck just because I happen to occasionally tap out paragraphs on a keyboard.

Otherwise, happy cycling.