How about that

Hello...

Is this thing still on?

[tap, tap, clears throat]

So yeah, it's been a while. How you doing?

Since we last met, I got promoted at work, moved and have begun to experience the wonders of a toddler who has discovered that he can run very fast, if not so steadily, while carrying large wooden spoons.

And whether you like it or not, I promise to be back a little sooner with some more inane patter.